Will Cry-It-Out Change Your Baby / Child’s Personality?
Posted by Nicole on July 8th, 2008
I happened upon an article where a woman (and husband) was against cry-it-out and specifically, The Ferber Method, but ended up doing it anyway, because it was what worked. In that article, Confessions of a Ferberizer, she said that, in the end, her son stopped wanting to be rocked or cuddle. She did not seem to regret doing cry-it-out, I don’t think, but reading the article reminded me that many of us wonder whether doing cry-it-out will change our child’s personality, so I thought I’d reflect on that today.
Will Cry-It-Out Change Your Child’s Personality?
In some ways, it might, and some ways it won’t and of course, all babies are different. And, if your child’s personality changes, it could be for the better. I do stand by the fact that I do not choose one method of sleep training over another. I truly believe that everyone must find what works for their family. For help finding the right solution for your family, check out my sleep training series. What works for your family will take into account your baby’s temperament, your temperament, your philosophy and both of your personalities.
Let’s look at a baby who is sensitive to being overtired and is chronically sleep-deprived because he is waking up every 1-2 hours all night long and only napping in 20 minute stretches. He might be very whiny and clingy all day long because HE IS TIRED! Let’s assume that mom is adamantly against crying methods, but has not yet found a no-cry method that has worked for her and her baby. Now, let’s assume she reluctantly uses The Ferber Method and her son begins to get enough sleep and is well-rested. It’s possible likely that her once fussy and clingy little boy is now happy!! This would be a “personality change” for the better. It is very common for a baby who is sleep deprived and fussy, to start being a very happy baby after he starts getting more rest, regardless of the sleep training method you choose.
So, what about the other way around? You have a baby that actually takes his sleep deprivation in stride and is, overall, a fairly happy baby. He just doesn’t sleep much. I don’t have to remind you that sleep problems can lead to obesity, depression, behavior problems, or that there are a variety of other reasons to get your child enough sleep. What might cry-it-out do to this baby?
Depending on his temperament, it can go one of two ways. The first way is that he is so easy-going that he cries for 5 minutes and sleeps all night like some books want you to believe will happen to your child. I do know that there ARE really babies like this! It isn’t a myth. My eldest son just wasn’t that way, that’s for sure! I don’t think anyone would say that 5 minutes of crying would do harm to any child. After all, you can be in the bathroom for 5 minutes.
The second type of baby does not have such an easy-going temperament and might cry, let’s say an hour at bedtime. Will this baby stop being as happy during the day? True, sometimes there are a few days that babies are clingier during the day after cry-it-out. This is due simply to the change in routine and adjustment to the new way to fall asleep and for the really sleep-deprived, they begin to catch up on their much needed sleep and therefore, are more tired during the day. It generally goes away after just a few days, if it was there at all. So, will an hour of crying make this particular baby damaged for the rest of his life? I guess we all need to decide for ourselves whether this is true, but I personally don’t believe it.
Now, back to the article. When I sleep-trained my eldest son, we did end up using a crying method, in the end, and I never regretted it. I actually did not notice any change in personality whatsoever. Not in a good or bad way. He was always pretty happy, when he wasn’t tired and he wasn’t clingier during the day, either. The only thing I saw was that he became more rested so I guess you can say he was happier for more of the day, since he wasn’t so tired. He never once seemed to “remember” the previous night’s bedtime. In fact, once he became a toddler and could talk and occasionally would have a tantrum right before bed (usually because he was overtired as he is still sensitive to that), crying himself to sleep once again, the next morning he was always bright and chipper and never even seemed to remember what happened. And, for his entire first 2 years of life, until we transitioned him into a room with no rocker, we rocked EVERY night. We cuddled EVERY night (and still do!). I nursed him EVERY night until we weaned at 13 months. Nothing changed but the fact he could fall asleep without me and continue to sleep all night. I, of course, am not saying that the woman in the article was making it up. I’m only telling my story to show that all babies are different and it’s possible her baby’s personality didn’t really change. Maybe he never really did like to rock to sleep but didn’t know how else to go to sleep. I don’t know.
As I’ve said many times before, when we were pregnant with our little ones, we didn’t decide one day “You know what. I’m going to let him cry so he can sleep, even if it takes an hour.” before he was even born. No parent wants to do that! But, unfortunately, for some of us, it truly is what works for our child’s temperament and personality. My second son started going to sleep on his own at bedtime without cry-it-out. All babies are indeed different, even within the same family.
Children are very resilient and our relationships with them are very complex. There have been no studies that show cry-it-out has long-lasting effects on our children. There is not ONE thing you can do (or not do) for your child and make THAT be what makes your relationship positive or negative (apart from the purely heinous crimes like child molestation, of course!). There is not ONE thing that will violate his trust in you. If that was the case, the ONE time you didn’t catch him when he was learning to walk and bumped his head would cause him not to trust you anymore. The ONE time you were late changing his diaper and he was cold and crying and you didn’t know would cause harm to him.
It is all the love, affection, and care you give him all day, day-in and day-out, that builds the relationship between mother/father and child. THAT is what is important. Just as your child might cry and scream he can’t put a fork in an outlet or eat a cookie before dinner, he does not really know what is best for himself and he trusts you to do what’s best for him. You are not making him cry, you are letting him cry and it’s an important distinction as he grows into a toddler and young child. Just remember, sleep deprivation is no better for him as it is for you!
One other thing to keep in mind is not to project your feelings onto your child. Your guilt might make you feel that she feels abandoned, when in fact the true reason she could be crying is that she is tired and simply would rather be asleep and is upset that you aren’t replacing that pacifier 10 times per night anymore or rocking him to sleep or whatever other sleep association you typically provide for her.
Just something to think about if the only thing standing in your way to a better night’s rest is your worry that your child’s personality will change. You may be interested in reading more about how I define cry-it-out and what it is and isn’t. It means something different to everyone and I am, in no way, recommending that you allow your baby to cry for hours on-end for anything and everything.
Read more about the lack of evidence that cry-it-out causes permanent damage, from a co-sleeper, in fact.
So, what do you think?
Category: Sleep TrainingTags: babies cry it out, babies sleep, baby cry it out, baby sleep, child sleep, cry it out method, cry it out sleep, cry-it-out, crying it out, crying sleep, ferber method, letting baby cry it out, no cry method, personality, sleep, Sleep Training, toddler sleep
July 8th, 2008
I would loved to have read this about fifteen years ago. But we didn’t have blogging then… etc. Anyway. I have used the Ferber method for three different kids with three different personalities, and each of them retained their own personalities through it all.
The first one was somewhat snuggly, and she stayed that way. The second one was always snuggly and stayed that way. My son, who came along just recently, was never much of a snuggler, and that hasn’t changed.
I stand by the Ferber method - though I would never call it “cry-it-out” as some do, since that implies just turning a deaf ear to the child as opposed to conditioning him to soothe himself and not rely on others to do it. This is modified during those times when you sense that the child needs you for some other reason. As a parent it’s important to respond to that when it’s appropriate to do so.
Great topic.
toms last blog post..Dad’s Words of Wisdom
July 10th, 2008
Is it too young to use the Ferber method on a one month old baby? My parents let me “cry it out” with intermittent calming when I was a newborn and so did my husband’s parents and we both turned out to be very contented babies and toddlers (and adults!). We leave our 1 month old to cry for a few minutes to self settle and notice that if we go in and pick her up after a few minutes of crying she wails louder and takes longer to settle. Can we leave her to cry longer then as our parents had (we tried this once and it worked a treat - after leaving her to cry for 15 mins we went in and patted her until she calmed and then left; she cried for another 10 mins and then fell asleep).
Planethalders last blog post..Endless…
July 10th, 2008
@tom Thank you so much for sharing your story!
@Planethalder Many parents find going in intermittently only upsets the baby more and opt not to go in as often or at all. I, personally, don’t recommend allowing a newborn to cry very long, but there are methods and books out there that suggest that 20 minutes or less of crying is OK for a baby, including newborns. As I stated above, there is no evidence crying does damage to babies (think of all the colicky babies that cry for long periods even in a mother’s arms). The reason I suggest waiting is more to allow you to get to know your baby better and also because some newborns simply will not have the ability to soothe themselves until they are closer to 4 or 5 months old. Every parent needs to decide for him/herself when the “right” time is. Hope this helps! Good luck!
Nicoles last blog post..Sleep Quick Tip - Sleep Training, the (Parenting) Method
July 10th, 2008
Thanks Nicole. I think we will try the Ferber method for a bit as though a month old our baby self settled again this evening after 15 minutes of crying (we had already changed her nappy, fed her, winded her).
July 10th, 2008
@Planethalder Sounds like you might have one of those “easy” babies I hear about!
That’s great! Just know that if she is swaddled (I think that’s what you mean by “winded”), her ability to self-soothe may be limited as she gets older. Around 4 months, their sleep system matures into adult-like sleep cycles (they enter sleep into non-REM like adults rather than REM as they do when they are infants — I should do another blog post about this shift). If that happens, you can always find your way back here. 
Nicoles last blog post..Sleep Quick Tip - Sleep Training, the (Parenting) Method
August 1st, 2008
There actually have been studies done at Harvard that show the traumatic effects of letting your baby cry themselves to sleep. It does permanent damage to the nervous system. Quit defending your passive parenting methods and do your research.
Or maybe for you and other CIO advocates, ignorance is bliss? Hey, whatever helps YOU sleep at night.
August 1st, 2008
@Greg I am not a cry-it-out pusher if it’s not what you want to do, but other methods simply don’t always work for every child. Sleep deprivation causes many health problems in all of us. Instead of attacking in your comment, perhaps you can share your research showing cry-it-out causing so-called permanent damage. There are plenty of babies with colic who cry HOURS upon hours every single day and turn out to be healthy children. It’s ridiculous to say that crying will cause permanent damage, especially when there are some babies who literally cry for 5-10 minutes. Show me the research and I will gladly post about it.
Unless you’ve had a challenging sleeper, you won’t know what people go through with sleep deprivation.
The *one* Harvard study I found even touching on this subject is not proving anything. For good reading, read this article from a co-sleeper who has a great article about the lack of evidence that cry-it-out causes permanent damage: http://goodenoughmummy.typepad.com/good_enough_mum/2006/07/cio_sleep_train.html
August 17th, 2008
Nicole - Although you are right that colicky babies cry sometimes for hours a day (interestingly that in some cultures where babies are held in arms a lot more than here in the West - colic is not as much as a problem) they are mostly being held and so they are not alone to “deal” with it. My problem with CIO is that it does not make any sense. It just happens that the babies needs are being ignored at night- if these same needs (that we really don’t know what they are) happened during the day we would not ignore them. I have a very wakeful baby (anywhere between 4-8 times per night) and she is sometimes fussy during the day because she is tired and sometimes she is fine. But we have unrealistic expectations about babies and sleep- we have a lot of sleep problems as adults in this country (US) that we often deal with medication and CIO seems to me to be more for the benefit of the adults and not for the good of the baby.
Babies who are clingier after CIO - are expressing a need to reconnect not just dealing with an adjustment. Maybe some babies seem ok with CIO, but from an evolutionary perspective it seems like it would not make sense.. It is a “modern” way to deal with what we think of as a problem. If babies who were born to cave people we left alone in another chamber and not attended to they died or were eaten. Although those are not what babies are dealing with now, they still need to be close to caretakers day or night and deserve to be taken care of because in the end we really don’t know what the crying is about- we are just guessing.
I had terrible night anxiety as a child and if my mother had not allowed to me sleep with her and nurse me as often as I needed to - attended to my needs- then I might not have become as well-adjusted an adult. Babies are intense and their needs are intense and I think most parents are not prepared for that and have some other expectation and needs (to sleep for those parents who have to wake up and go to work the next day). It is our “family values” society that has set it up to be difficult for babies to get their needs met and for parents to be able to meet them. If like in many European countries parents got 1 year off of paid parenting leave it might be easier to to do what is really best for the child.
In the end if we ask the children- I think they would say “please take care of me, don’t leave my by myself, even if it means I am a little tired”.
August 17th, 2008
@Emi Thank you for your thoughtful response. I just want to clarify that I never advocate CIO to replace needs that your child may have. CIO is mostly about breaking habits that hinder your child’s ability to sleep. In the case of my son, robbing him of hours of sleep to try to “help” him sleep and avoid his cries, actually did more harm than good because he desperately needs his sleep, even today. If co-sleeping had worked for us, perhaps I would not have taken that route and that’s why this whole site is dedicated to helping parents find what works for their child and them. A judgment-free site to help you find what works for you, but encourages you to put your baby’s sleep as a top priority. You see, my thoughts are that just as sleep fragmentation is hard on you, it’s very hard on your child, too. And, you are right that some parents do have needs as well that need addressing.
From an evolutionary perspective, you are right, it is not possible that we could have been cave dwellers and allowed our babies to cry. But, back then we also did not have to keep as much of a house, work 40+ hours a week and often have a 2-income household to even just be able to eat. We probably wore our babies in a sling-type carrier and picked berries, etc. Our culture was different and as our culture evolves, the method in which we deal with any type of problem has to evolve. As another example, we also probably did not have to worry as much about childhood obesity, either, but things simply change. And, we can’t ignore those changes. Back in cave days we also had more of a “it takes a village” approach where if you needed to nap, if you couldn’t do that very well with baby, someone else would help you out. We simply don’t have that as much anymore.
And, lastly, you are right that crying does NOTHING to teach baby anything. It’s mostly about setting limits (no I won’t replace your pacifier 10 times per night) and breaking poor sleep associations (you have to rock every hour to go back to sleep). The act of crying is baby frustrated and protesting the change. It is up to the parent on how they deal with this protest and frustration. You can a) give in and do what is robbing them of sleep or b) you can help them find a new way to sleep with or without you in the room as they go through it. And, there are a variety of things you can try besides CIO (see my sleep training series which goes over all methods including No-Cry methods). I would never say co-sleeping is bad as in the case of your childhood. It’s what worked for you and your mother and that’s what the site is all about. Finding what works for YOU and your family.
Thanks again for your comment!
Nicoles last blog post..Cry It Out Defined and Age to Do It