Posts Tagged ‘sleep associations’

I breastfed my first son for 13 months and am still breastfeeding my second (he’s now 5 1/2 months as I’m writing this). As I’ve said before, we also used a crying sleep training method with my first and a no-cry sleep training method for my second (so far). They are just two very different temperaments.

Although I used a crying sleep training method for my first son, I was pretty turned off by an article I read that promoted crying it out to wean breastfeeding. Part of my philosophy is that we all must find a method of sleep training that works for our families.

Another part of my philosophy is that you need to be fair to your child. For example, I never recommend cry-it-out to families who have been co-sleeping for a lengthy amount of time. I believe you need to start slower. With my son, I made sure he could fall asleep unassisted before I expected him to do it alone. Some babies have more trouble self-soothing than others. Once my son knew how to fall asleep, it was more of a matter for us to set limits that he had to do it daily, without our “help” only because our “help” turned into a 3 hour marathon event.

Back to that article. She mentions going on a vacation, separating from baby abruptly, for a week or more and another method is to sabotage your breast milk so it doesn’t taste good. Her final method is to let your baby cry and increase the time before you nurse until you work your way up to letting your baby “cry itself out”. First of all, my baby is not an “it”.

Second of all, there is another method (and there are others!) that worked well for me and that is the “Don’t offer, don’t refuse” method. I had plenty of time, so I could take my time and we took 2 months to wean. Even going slow, my son showed signs of weaning too fast, so I can’t imagine if I had used any of the methods outlined in the article I read!

Granted, had my son taken “too long” (whatever that means to each of us) to wean, I do understand that sometimes you do have to set limits and yes, they might cry, but just like sleep training, there is a range of things you can try before you jump to cry-it-out. I was completely turned off that the article seemed to only list extreme methods. At least give a variety of methods like I have on this site about sleep training with my sleep training series, ya know?

I know this post isn’t really about sleep, per se, but when I read the article and it mentioned “cry it out” for weaning, I felt compelled to write. Cry it out gets such a bad rap, sometimes, and this doesn’t help. What I want to emphasize is that you let your baby cry-it-out to fix sleep problems, but only after your baby is fed, dry, comfortable, and any other needs are attended to. A baby’s cry is protesting the changes you are making when you are breaking sleep associations and other habits. But, breastfeeding is about more than just a mother’s milk as it’s a source of comfort and a connection between mom and baby, too. Even when you sleep train, you can (and should) breastfeed or bottle feed your baby. The idea is just not to do it until baby is all the way asleep. Easier said than done, unfortunately.

I hope this article lets you get to know me and my philosophy better. You may also want to read more about my definition of cry it out and at what age I recommend it. For more weaning techniques, please visit Kelly Mom. You can also visit BabbleSoft for breastfeeding support.

What do you think about cry-it-out to wean?

Is it a bad idea to rock your baby? It depends. It is never a bad idea to cuddle your baby and give him/her lots of love and affection! It’s only when rocking your baby becomes something you can’t keep up with is it a problem. Let’s take a step back and let me explain what a sleep association is.

What is your sleep association? How do you fall asleep?

What kind of routine do you do before you go to sleep each night? Do you watch TV? Talk to your partner? Do you read a book? Do you sleep on a pillow? These are the types of things you associate with going to sleep each night. What would happen if your power was out and you couldn’t watch the news or read your book? Would you have trouble falling asleep? Perhaps. Or, perhaps not. Would you have trouble going to sleep without your pillow? That might be more likely to give you trouble. Some sleep associations are stronger than others. What if you went to sleep with your pillow and covers and 2 hours later woke up and they were gone? Would you be able to go back to sleep without looking for the pillow? Now let’s look at how this concept might affect your baby/child.

What is your child’s sleep association? How does your child fall asleep?

Let’s look at how many babies fall asleep. They might fall asleep while their mother or father is rocking them in a rocking chair, bundled up and very cozy in their parent’s arms. Or, they may fall asleep sucking on a bottle of breastmilk/formula. Or, perhaps they doze off with the simple use of a pacifier. Minus the teeth issue with breastmilk/formula later on, there isn’t a problem with any of these methods of falling asleep until it is a problem.

From the time my son was an itty bitty baby, he loved to be walked, rocked and nursed to sleep. He also loved napping in the moving swing. At first this was not a problem. He would fall asleep quickly and we’d put him down. But, several weeks later, I found myself rocking him for 2-3 hours each night to put him to bed. He’d fall asleep easily, but then when I put him down he’d wake up! Ah! And, then I’d need to repeat it every 1-2 hours when he woke up. It was exhausting and I was at the end of my rope! So, we took to co-sleeping, which got us both more sleep, yet I was so nervous I’d roll on top of him or my husband or I would cover him with blankets. I’m not the best sleeper, so every time he’d want to nurse, I’d have trouble going back to sleep (and I never got good and switching sides without actually switching sides either). Co-sleeping works for many and I’m not knocking it. It just didn’t work for us and it is important for every family to learn what works for them best. After learning about sleep associations I was able to transfer him back to his crib at 4 months old and we both got a LOT more sleep then!

The problem with sleep associations lies in the fact that your baby needs YOU to recreate the environment in which they fell asleep. YOU become their “pillow” and when they wake up through sleep transitions (that we ALL have!) and their pillow is gone, they don’t know how to go back to sleep. So, the key is to allow them to go to sleep the same way they will wake up periodically throughout the night. If they wake up briefly and find you gone or the movement has stopped (as with my son) or their pacifier is gone or…they will wake up more and have to call out to you so you can “help” them once again. The beauty of this is that after they get to be about 3-4 months, they really don’t “need” you as much as you might think and they can actually learn to fall asleep on their own, if they haven’t learned already up to this point.

One final thought. I want to reiterate that rocking your baby, using a pacifier, nursing or drinking a bottle before bed, etc. are not bad things to do. If you don’t mind rocking your baby for 10 minutes and (s)he falls asleep, you transfer him/her to his/her bed and (s)he sleeps all night, then there is no problem. It’s only when you can’t keep up with the (insert sleep association) that it becomes a problem. Keep in mind that your sleep fragmentation that makes you exhausted is no better for your baby than it is for you. If you are cranky, don’t you think (s)he will be too over time? I would have LOVED to rock my son and boy did I try (unintentionally — just in my nature). We slipped back into bad habits more times than I wanted to count, but it just became a hitch for him EVERY time. In the end, I was able to continue to nurse him to sleep once he learned the necessary skills to go BACK to sleep throughout the rest of the night. With opportunity and practice we can all learn a new way to sleep, even without a pillow!

If you are ready to break undesirable sleep associations preventing your baby from sleeping well, you may be interested in my sleep training (from no-cry to cry) series. If you’d like step-by-step instructions and more details, you may also be interested in my Help Your Child Sleep, a Step-By-Step Guide e-Book. And, if you need custom sleep advice for your specific situation, I also offer baby sleep consulting services.

What kind of sleep associations do you have? What about your child?